RSS

Tag Archives: presence

Longing.

Far northern California reminds me so much of rural Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Vermont.  Vast expanses of rocky, rolling mountains covered in the green of spring- the neon of new grasses, bright yellows and purples of the first wildflowers, budding trees and fresh leaves, and the ever-present anchor of the evergreens as far as the eye can see.  As we drive to Klamath, CA- just south of the Oregon border on the Pacific coast, I find myself feeling a bit of longing for the familiarity of the east coast.  This hasn’t happened since we’ve been on the road- at least not at a time when we couldn’t change our plans and quell our desire to be… wherever.  But right now we have solid plans- the Life is Good Conference at the end of the month, friends who have become family awaiting us in British Columbia, Tough Mudder at the end of June, and an Alaskan Cruise/RV to Denali National Park in July.  Not a bad lineup.

I haven’t ‘missed’ anything in a really long time.  It’s an uncomfortable feeling that calls me back to a focus on the present.  What is it about now that isn’t sitting right?  Why the longing?  Generally when I feel I need something – food, sugar, place, person – there is a void that I am not recognizing. 

Lately I have been noticing recurring thoughts of the future.  What will the next adventure be?  How long will we RV?  Will we go abroad?  How?  For how long?  Will the kids decide, at some point, that they want to be stationary?  Will Chris or I?  What if I never fulfill my dream of farming?  Is this a real dream or a romanticized one?  If we did settle down, where would it be?  Is traveling going to continue to be financially feasible?  Would settling down end up being more expensive?

When I look at the questions in print, I recognize fear.  Fear of the future.  Fear of the unknown.  It’s familiar and familiar feels good no matter how bad it feels…  But I know I don’t have the answers.  And I don’t need them.  I am brilliantly happy with my life.  Maybe that’s where the questioning comes in.  A deep breath waiting for the other shoe to drop?  And yet I’m here because of choices made with a focus on living in the present moment rather than the more common sacrificial perspective in which we spend most of our lives waiting, saving, and planning for moments too short or that may never come at all.  The spotlight falls on… being open.  Seizing opportunities.  Staying still when it feels right.  Moving, seeing, doing when we want.  Honoring the changes in ourselves and each other.  Recognizing that we create our lives and choice creates empowered joy.  We always have a choice.

safe haven

 
6 Comments

Posted by on May 31, 2012 in California, RV, Travel log

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been here all along….

Yep- that’s where I’ve been.  As in present in the now.  And while ‘here’ has physically been Las Vegas, Nevada; Riverside, Santa Barbara, and La Quinta, California; Scottsdale, Sedona, and Tucson, Arizona; Lewisville and (now) Austin, Texas, I really just mean I’ve been right HERE feeling and living in the present.  And let me tell you, it feels… interesting. 

I’ve been preaching presence all this time- the power of being in the now with our children and families.  And, the truth is, I haven’t REALLY known it.  Sure, I thought I knew it.  I spend loads of time with my kids.  We communicate deeply and constantly.  Our familial bonds are loving, respectful, brilliant, and fun.  But something has brought a new awareness into my life – the awareness that there is a spot in my brain that steals from my state of presence.  It always has and I’ve recently given it an eviction notice.

There has always been something to look forward to, prepare for, to-dos lurking in the back of my mind just waiting for the time I need to get them done.  For most of my life homework was the primary spaceholder in this space (yes, about 20 years between primary, secondary, undergraduate and graduate studies), sitting on my shoulder and whispering its endless, persistent presence in my ear.  When there was no school work to be had, it was job-related tasks, childbirth education curriculums and preparations, bereavement programs to develop, research and re-writing hospital unit protocols.  If there wasn’t something filling that spot, I volunteered for something because leaving it empty left me feeling uncomfortable, unproductive… useless. 

When I stopped working a few years ago, I stepped up my blogging here, started the Humans Being podcast, began taking speaking engagements, co-sponsored an unschooling Meet-Up group for Dallas/Ft. Worth, and began co-publishing Rethinking Everything Magazine.  I love all of these things but what I had managed to do was marry my computer.  In the absence of knowing where to draw the line with how much I actually needed to be on the computer, I would check it and be working on something almost constantly- two e-mail accounts, blog entries, podcast development (preparation, recording, post-production).  When I wasn’t on the computer, the space in my brain would throb with items that needed to be attended to…  Or so I thought.

After spending two weeks in Las Vegas (brilliant time in the city of glitz, by the way), we slowly made our way out to Santa Barbara, California to visit Chris’ brother, sister-in-law, and beautiful little niece.  While Rancho Oso was a really picturesque RV park with lots of amenities, we found ourselves just over the mountains from the ocean view smack in the middle of a (insert Twilight Zone music here) no-service zone.  No cell phone.  No internet.  Period.  Nothing to boost.  We were told we could get a signal at a turn-off 1/2 mile up the road from the entrance booth.  What?!  Rather than completely freaking out (I do that now and then), I felt a strange sense of peace creeping in.  My “it is what it is” voice met with my “I have ‘work’ to do” voice and overtook it in a swift coup d’etat.  I felt liberated.  A quick consideration of how much truly NEEDED to be attended to during our two-week stay amounted to what I could knock out during a 1/2 hour visit to the dial-up-disguised-as-cable internet provided at the lodge.

That’s not all Santa Barbara provided.  While not a phone-talker, my cell plan was up and my dinosaur-disguised-as-a-phone was becoming an embarrassment to my techie husband.  I got a Blackberry Storm and it has not been the addictive curse that I had imagined.  It’s actually been the perfect complement to my new state of awareness.  I can quick-check all I want with the touch of a button and never wonder if there may be some collossal issue needing major attention and hiding within my laptop.  I can surf Facebook in the car (while Chris drives, of course) and not get swept up in its current at home.  I can retrieve a recipe or send a quick note without opening Pandora’s laptop and getting sucked in.

Life has, shockingly, not collapsed with infrequent computer use.  I feel much more connected to each moment with my family.  Even my cooking is better.  My head space is so clear and I just haven’t been able to sort out how to add back in the podcast and blogs (I’ve managed to work on REM in a much more organized fashion) without clogging it up again.  I’ve come to realize that it’s not really the focused intention/work that is the issue, it’s the tendency to get side-tracked web-surfing, Facebook commenting, etc.  Even when I do these now, I do them with intention and it feels great.  So here is my attempt to keep in touch, to journal, to share our journey of ever-evolving freedom of mind, body, and spirit without compromising that journey.

This blog has had many lives: homeschool portfolio, unschool chronicle, pondering place, and travel journal.  It may continue to be all of these things as I continue to evolve and grow and choose to do that which fills me rather than that which fills time.
om symbol

 
2 Comments

Posted by on January 5, 2011 in Sarah's Endeavors

 

Tags: , , , ,